On Robin Williams, Suicide, Mental Illness, and Recovery

On Robin Williams, Suicide, Mental Illness, and Recovery

Suicide is one of the most sensitive topics that can be talked about. We as a society avoid talking truthfully about suicide as much as possible. We try to hide it, or we glamourize it – but it is rare that we talk bluntly about the reality of suicide.

People do not commit suicide or even die from suicide. They die from depression or other mental illness. If someone died from starvation but they had AIDS or cancer or even anorexia, we wouldn’t say say they died from starvation. We would say they died from AIDS, cancer, or anorexia. Why are depression and other mental illnesses any different?

Robin Williams was wildly successful and hilarious. He is the only famous person i ever got upset about losing. I was never big on movies, but i did get to enjoy one of his live shows a few years before he lost his battle. It was truly magical. The whole room was in hysterics, laughing until tears fell. While it is terrible that we lost such a beautiful soul so tragically, i am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. We need to shed light on suicide, mental health, depression, drug addiction, and all of the negatives society wishes to bury and ignore. As much as positivity is important, we cannot ignore reality! Sadly, it takes losing someone as beautiful as Robin Williams to do that. Thank you, Robin, for helping the world, even in death. You are a beautiful soul and you will not be forgotten. Rest in peace.

I am very nervous to share this, and i am doing so only because i feel it is necessary. If it helps one person, my job is done. I am a suicide survivor and a survivor of severe depression, OCD, addiction, eating disorders, BDD, and self-injury. I tried countless times to take my own life. The pain i felt at the time was so intense i could not even fathom attempting to bear it. I truly hated myself. I thought i was disgusting, a disgrace to humankind. I thought i was a miserable wretch causing harm and pain to everyone around me. I truly believed that to end my life would be doing the world around me a favor because I believed every single person in the world hated me. I believed that the people who were nice to me just felt badly for me but deep down they knew i was worthless. I believed if i were to die, instead of missing me, people would be celebrating my death.I also believed that no matter what, the pain would never end and if i lived, it would stay with me in the same magnitude for the rest of my life.

The only reason i gave up attempting suicide was that i was tired of failing at yet another thing. I felt like such a loser, i couldn’t even kill myself right. I spent a few years hoping the external world would kill me. I refused to wear my seatbelt because i hoped i would get in a car accident that would kill me or just disable me enough that i could no longer feel emotional pain. I lived my life hoping to die in any way possible. I self-medicated, ran away from home and stayed with strangers, befriended thugs and drug dealers, and i abused drugs in combinations that i truly believe would have killed me if i did not have guardian angels watching over me. It was only by the grace of God that i removed myself from that lifestyle.

After waiting as long as i possibly could doing nothing, at some point, i realized i had to create a life i wanted to live if i was ever going to be happy. It was terrifying, and i only got through it because i had finally found my purpose. It is my purpose and destiny to help anyone who can relate to my depression and pain. While pain is a necessary part of life, no one should ever have to feel hopeless despair like I did. No one should ever have to go through this world without a single person they can trust and who loves them. No one should ever have to feel like the only option is suicide, drug abuse, or living life like they’re already dead.

This same disease took the lives of my two best friends this year. The official causes don’t matter, it was the same disease that brought them to a place where death was the end result. If I had the knowledge i have now at that time, i could have helped them. I may have even been able to save them. It’s too late for that now, but it’s not too late for me to help you or help you help someone you love.

If you are feeling like suicide, please read on. I LOVE YOU. EVERY SINGLE PART OF YOU. I love your flaws, inside and out. You are a BEAUTIFUL PERSON AND SOUL, no matter what you’ve gone through in the past. You may feel broken, guilty, like a horrible, worthless human being, and i will PROMISE you that this is your disease talking to you. You may have a lot of emotion to process before you can feel happiness again, but i promise you, IT IS THERE!

After years spent in the depths of hell mentally, i have felt blissful in the past few weeks. Yes, there have been times since i pulled myself out of the depths of hell where i was completely and utterly miserable. There were times that i felt like i wished my suicide attempts worked. There have been times where i felt like a worthless, useless failure. AND ALL OF THESE TIMES PASSED. I practice self-love every day, no matter how little love i feel for myself. I say positive affirmations, meditate, listen to and sing mantras, eat delicious healthy raw fruits and vegetables, run, jog, hike, climb, practice asana, practice pranayama, write, take healing baths, talk about my feelings with friends, read, and more. Doing this allows me to feel BLISSFUL at times! Sometimes pain releases and i’m left literally crying, laughing, and smiling at the same time. It is incredibly freeing and beautiful.

YOU CAN HAVE THIS TOO! I promise, no matter how badly you feel, things will get better.

If you know someone feeling this way, reach out to them! They NEED your light in their life. Don’t criticize them or wonder why they can’t just pull themselves out. If you’ve never been depressed before, you have no idea what it’s like. I guarantee they have been trying to pull themselves out, or tried and failed so many times they gave up. It’s scary! Just be there for them, make time to see them, and let them know you truly care for and love them as much as you can.

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